from Canto I

21

This was an easy matter with a man
     Oft in the wrong, and never on his guard;
And even the wisest, do the best they can,
     Have moments, hours, and days, so unprepared,
That you might “brain them with their lady’s fan”;
     And sometimes ladies hit exceeding hard,
And fans turn into falchions in fair hands,
And why and wherefore no one understands.

22

‘Tis pity learned virgins ever wed
     With persons of no sort of education,
Or gentlemen, who, though well-born and bred,
     Grow tired of scientific conversation:
I don’t choose to say much upon this head,
     I’m a plain man, and in a single station,
But—Oh! ye lords of ladies intellectual,
Inform us truly, have they not hen-peck’d you all?

23

Don Jóse and his lady quarrell’d—why,
     Not any of the many could divine,
Though several thousand people chose to try,
     ‘Twas surely no concern of theirs nor mine;
I loathe that low vice curiosity,
     But if there’s any thing in which I shine
‘Tis in arranging all my friends’ affairs,
Not having, of my own, domestic cares.

24

And so I interfered, and with the best
     Intentions, but their treatment was not kind;
I think the foolish people were possess’d,
     For neither of them could I ever find,
Although their porter afterwards confess’d—
     But that’s no matter, and the worst’s behind,
For little Juan o’er me threw, down stairs,
A pail of housemaid’s water unawares.

25

A little curly-headed, good-for-nothing,
     And mischief-making monkey from his birth;
His parents ne’er agreed except in doting
    Upon the most unquiet imp on earth;
Instead of quarrelling, had they been but both in
    Their senses, they’d have sent young master forth
To school, or had him soundly whipp’d at home,
To teach him manners for the time to come.

26

Don Jose and the Donna Inez led
     For some time an unhappy sort of life,
Wishing each other, not divorced, but dead;
     They lived respectably as man and wife,
Their conduct was exceedingly well-bred,
     And gave no outward signs of inward strife,
Until at length the smother’d fire broke out,
And put the business past all kind of doubt.

27

For Inez call’d some druggists and physicians,
     And tried to prove her loving lord was mad,
But as he had some lucid intermissions,
     She next decided he was only bad;
Yet when they ask’d her for her depositions,
     No sort of explanation could be had,
Save that her duty both to man and God
Required this conduct—which seem’d very odd.

28

She kept a journal, where his faults were noted,
     And open’d certain trunks of books and letters,
All which might, if occasion served, be quoted;
    And then she had all Seville for abettors,
Besides her good old grandmother (who doted);
     The hearers of her case became repeaters,
Then advocates, inquisitors, and judges,
Some for amusement, others for old grudges.

29

And then this best and meekest woman bore
     With such serenity her husband’s woes,
Just as the Spartan ladies did of yore,
     Who saw their spouses kill’d, and nobly chose
Never to say a word about them more—
     Calmly she heard each calumny that rose,
And saw his agonies with such sublimity,
That all the world exclaim’d, “What magnanimity!”

30

No doubt, this patience, when the world is damning us,
     Is philosophic in our former friends;
‘Tis also pleasant to be deem’d magnanimous,
     The more so in obtaining our own ends;
And what the lawyers call a “malus animus,”
    Conduct like this by no means comprehends:
Revenge in person’s certainly no virtue,
But then ‘tis not my fault, if others hurt you.